The Glam Gidget Diaries

Pulling an Ashley

Disclaimer: This first post is being written under the influence of extreme peer pressure--so basically blame Miss Luscious Luka if it lacks the luster of her posts.

"Pulling a Dani" means stepping off a curb and walking straight into CyRide or ordering the Wall Street Journal only to later forget about it and wonder who the moron is that hasn't been picking up their highly coveted literature. "Pulling an Anne" means writing an "S.A." for lit class or having Spongebob Squarepants hallucinations. Usually, I am the one laughing at (I mean with) my friends. Now they have reason to mock me. In an unprecedented set of events Saturday night, I made walking into a bus and writing an "S.A." look like acts of the highest academic merit. Here is what it takes to truly "pull an Ashley.":

1. First--get totally sloshed. At home. Alone. (Hey, can I help it my drinking buddy was lame and had to go to Pep Band? Nooooooo.....)

2. When the roommate comes home, insist on getting her sloshed, too. (Because two drunks can take care of each other, right?)

3. Get to the bars quickly--(before you've had a chance to sober up even slightly; after all, that would be a waste). Drink as many shots as your roomie will buy you. (liquor after beer, that's how it's supposed to work, right?)

4. Dance. A lot. Get excited about EVERY blasted song that is played no matter how misogynistic, degrading, or just plain unoriginal/inartistic your (unfounded) pedantic musical self has labeled them when you were sober.

5. Leave the bar. Run ahead of your roomie and your roomie's friend because you're cold and--hell--you know the way home. You don't need their slow asses to help you get there, do you?

6. Take a very wrong turn. When your roomie yells that you are going the wrong way, DO NOT GIVE IN TO HER FOR ANY REASON. She obviously has NO idea what she is talking about and is too drunk to understand that you are always right. Sheesh. What a lush.

7. Proceed walking until you reach a place that looks familiar--HOME. But why is the door locked?

8. Find you neighbor friends upstairs. They'll be up at 2 a.m. Or not...

9. Find a person who has a phone. Call your friend in Indianapolis. She will know what to do to help you in Iowa City.

10. When that doesn't work, go home and pound on the door until someone answers. When it isn't your roommate (or anyone else you know, for that matter), act really confused. Why has this person taken over your apartment?

11. Fall asleep on the couch. Wake up in what is clearly NOT your apartment by any means. Walk outside. Stop. Turn. Look at the door you've just closed. Oh yes. This is where you lived LAST YEAR.

Congratulations. You've just won the Collegiate Drunken Darwin Award of the year. Celebrate by getting totally smashed.

posted by Glam Gidget @ 7:54 AM